The Big D

I’ve battled 2 life-threatening diseases and I confess to you I’m not sure I could say which is harder. There is certainly more understanding and empathy for the Big C than the Big D. I’ve had clinical depression for the last 20 years and have been to the right kind of Dr. for the treatment of it the last 5. While it is mostly "managed" now I have enough episodes to keep me humble, remind me of how it is truly a medical disease requiring medical help; and sadly accept that I will probabally never be pronounced "cured."

I can observe traces of it running through my family. I am grateful to live now when so much more is understood about the Brain, it’s many Chemicals and how easily it seems at times they can get all jumbled up and out of balance. The older I am I can cling to the hope that "this too will lift." For as sure as it’s haunting grip can wash over me in a sudden unpredictable "crash" it has always eventually lifted. Gone as fast as it came. Bye. Poof. Please don’t visit me again... Haven’t we been friends long enough? Will you now please be my enemy? Stay far, far away. I confess too, that few things in life make me shiver than the thought of for some unknown reason the big D not lifting.

Therapy, medical help, time, growth, perspective, writing all help me cope. But, the sweetest gift is talking with someone who shares the pain and knows exactly what I’m going through. Who has absolutely no judgment or advice because they know how random and unfair depression is. I have a few fellow sufferers now. Their ability to bluntly talk about the day to day reality is an immense blessing to me. It does seem to be a condition that is very difficult for some to understand. Distinct from the occasional appropriate sadness in grief or loss or "Baby Blues" Clinical Depression just isn’t resolved from "getting out in the sunshine, drinking a glass of o.j., thinking about what we have to be thankful for." How we wish more than anyone in the world that any one of these would just work or any other simple remedy for that matter. Believe me, we are the first to try, to hope, to believe. Try so hard. Only to be taken down - over and over again. The wave that is just too strong, no matter how hard we attempt to stay afloat, taking us under.

So, I HOPE that by going "public" on a very private struggle will somehow uplift my fellow sufferers. For with all my heart I believe that YOU are the true Heroes. The amazingly strong, sometimes daily, often unknown survivors of a much less known life-threatening disease.

May you be less alone.

Comments

[tod]

Way. to. go.

[Sarah]

Pati,

Your candor is inspiring. Thanks for yet again modeling to me the value of vulnerability.

[Carrie D]

Pati,

If ever you need someone to stand up with you and speak on this subject, I, too, have the big D. I fought it for many years with working out, thinking positive, to no avail, even therapy could not capture the beast and tame it -- until I surrendered and got real help. During your big C, I felt I did not know you well enough to come help and still feel sad about that, so if ever I can help you model how life can be for others who have the big D, and wonder why God simply does not take it away upon your prayer, please please contact me.

carrie, tod's sister

[Rick H]

I stumbled upon your blog via Ben Witherington's blog. At 53 I am diagnosed with clinical D and on medication and was inspired to read of your experience. Thank you for putting it out there. I too see the D in my family tree and my life since childhood. It was a mixed bag getting diagnosis and treatment.
Thanks again.