What if this is as Good as it gets?

What if this is as good as it gets???

Besides a great movie a few years back about a man working through his diagnosis, treatment and life with severe OCD, I’ve been asking myself lately. What if this is it? What if this sporadic energy level, waning at times, ok at others is it. What if this IS as "recovered" as I will be. What if this is as good as I will be and I will get worse again? Maybe chemo gave me chronic fatigue syndrome, maybe it all means it is slowly coming back. It’s all ok. It’s all liveable. What’s hard for me to accept is who I am for and with my young children. I WANT to play tag with Conor. I’m sick and tired of saying "I’m sorry honey, I’m just so tired." How can a child appreciate what I’ve been through? They only know the present.

Blah, I know we are too hard on ourselves. And we all have something. That thorn in our side as Paul puts it. That thorn in the side. It isn’t what challenges we are given in life it is what we do with them. Our ability to trust and rest in God. Acceptance. I'm doing a 30 day experiment of looking in the mirror and saying "I'm ok today. I love and accept myself just how I am today. How I look right now and what I am able to do today."

For me, 2.3 months from diagnosis, 9 months after completion of all I.V. treatment and 2 of the 5 years down with the Tamoxifin, it’s about ACCEPTING who I am today. It’s ok to not have super energy. It’s just what I’ve always loved. What made me feel valuable, and safe. But, it doesn’t mean God loves me any less.

I’ve started reading "LiveStrong" a compilation of inspirational stories from Cancer Survivors. I am GREATLY comforted and amazed at similar POST cancer treatment lives.

Here our some quotes from survivors in the LiveStrong book published by the Lance Armstrong Foundation. These really hit home. From a young woman, Samantha Eisenstein (half my age). Her entry is titled "I am somebody with cancer and I am somebody without cancer." "Since I finished, I had been struggling with my appearance and scars, all the issues that are not the day-to day chemo stuff and therefore didn't feel legitimate." Sam describes how all of the Doctors and Nurses worked for the day when they could say O.k. your done, go live your life. That day came. But, she felt abandoned and didn't know what that life was.

From a lung cancer survivor who was told she had 0 percent chance of surviving. She is a mother of two teenage daughters. "I often feel fatigued. I don't know whether it's from the lack of lung tissue or whether it's just from the long treatments or even something else. The fatigue on chemo was like no other fatigue I've ever felt. It's not tiredness. It is an overwhelming to-the-core fatigue... I'm always pleased on days when I have more energy than my daughters. But most days, I just kind of have to realize and accept that I don't. I have this fatigue, and I have to plan for it,"

Thanks Lori, I never thought of planning for my fatigue. I'm still working on accepting it as real. As most likely from all the treatment and not from something I am doing wrong or some other greater problem. Celebrating the day I can take Conor bike riding, set up a tent in the backyard and do some Art. (He is very active). Accepting the days when I'm lucky to be able to play a board game and maybe sit and watch him play computer. The days I have to hear the relentless "Mom, I'm bored."

These stories are so helpful. In each one, there is so much I can relate to, be affirmed in. And in each one I SEE again HOW MUCH I have to be grateful for. I can run (every once in awhile when energy allows) and not worry about breaking a bone. I now have a high survival rate. I have a husband who "does" cancer. I have the 3 aspects described by Lori to fight. Doctors, Diet and Exercise and Faith.

I am not sure how to end this entry so I will sign off as each writer does in Lance's book:

My name is Pati Toole, I am 40 years old and a 2.3 year survivor of Stage III.5 Breast Cancer. I have a great husband and two strong active young boys. I would name my entry "Live One day at a time, and sometimes moment by moment."

LiveStrong.

Comments

[Samantha Eisenstein]

Hi Pati,
Thank you so much for including my story in yours -- this is truly a journey we are all on together!
I wish you and your family all the best.
Sincerely,
Sam