Pati Toole Unplugged

Growing Up

My "baby" of 9 is spending his first night away from us (or other family). He gets to be on the Pilgrim ship. A right of passage in this area. All 4^{th grades get to learn what life was like for turn of the century sailors. My son gets to be a "boatswain" and climb the mast! Our son is having a good year with more consistent friends than ever, more confidence and a special experienced male teacher who emphasizes fitness, self esteem and embodies these qualities as well. We are so thankful.}

I am a mixture of trepidation, acknowledgment that I will have less control over his life the next ten years than the first ten, proud, and relieved. Mostly, one could describe my feelings today as acquiescing into a quiet joy at what I know needs to happen, and is a good thing. My oldest son is growing up. And what a fine, tall, smart, funny, kind gentleman, he is becoming!

Over the past couple of years I have had a couple of similar experiences that have helped me realize we no longer have such "young children." Visitors have come with young children and i’ve gone to get one of the several "sippee cups" we always had, only to realize we didn’t have any. When did all the sippee cups go away I wondered. I don’t remember any point in time that I tossed the rest. Thinking farther back the same was true for toddler spoons, smaller chairs and certain toys. Of course, I feel some sadness. I didn’t really see this stage coming. It’s ironic I’d miss it, I struggled hard with emotional, and physical demands of before school aged children. I had post partum depression after both our children, but was only diagnosed and helped the second time. There are a myriad of issues from my own past that constantly leave me fairly unprepared for parenting and especially lacking at the stage that is to come.

I am so relieved when my friends tell me how fun their family life is with older kids. I must admit, I tend to dread teenage years - assuming they will be awful and somehow a complete reversal of the close loving family we have had. I’m reassured just like I was when I was about 25, sitting with two close church women in their early 40's and them talking about aging beauty issues. "I don’t look forward to that," I said trying to fit in. Fortunately, one of them had the grace and wisdom to share that "actually Pati, I’d never want to have my 20's over again. Being 40 and above is the best time of my life. I’m confident, know who I am and have learned to not have so much bother me." Now, that sounds nice. I thought. That one comment, has echoed in my being ever since and gave me helpful hopeful instruction as to a women’s second half of life I had to look forward to. I am happily 41 today ( I think). And I couldn’t AGREE with my friend’s comment any more throughly.

I take the newer weight struggle, deepening wrinkle lines, staining teeth and no longer being the one to make men’s head turns in a room ANY DAY, to the ever growing, peace, confidence, love and real contribution I can have NOW.

So, dear friends who inhabit this beautiful spot on the planet. Of not only natural beauty, beaches and fine living, but Hollywood, movie star like physical beauty as well. We live in a culture that not only seeks at every turn to DENY the basic TRUTH of our existence (that we all die) but TRIES with every power in her being to COVER the unavoidable march towards it in aging. What do these constant barrage of messages, through media, careers, perfect looking middle aged bodies say to us?

They say that the best of life is when we are young. Energetic, healthy, wealthy and powerful are the elements that make life successful and rewarding.

Only, here is the sad thing, they don’t. They really don’t. And we who HAVE THEM ALL are the only ones who know this sad truth.

So, dear friends, embrace life now. Take time to prioritize what is important to you. Time definitely marches on, no matter what we are doing. It doesn’t wait. It definitely does not wait for us to get our act together. If your not treasuring your spouse now and taking steps to do that, you won’t. If you don’t play with your child now, they will no longer enjoy building elaborate towns with legos faster than you can EVER fathom.

Experience every stage of life, parenting, marriage, church life, community involvement because these things do not stop.

And here’s the great news.

When you believe in God , you have the opportunity to work towards making your life and time count. To be putting things in place that are a part of God’s Eternal Kingdom. And for most of us, living here, don’t be fooled. This discipline, takes work. To work towards restructuring our Christian lives to experience God’s joy and peace in every day lives, putting people first always and caring for the things that God cares about, IS OUR WORK. The other is about making a living and don't get the two confused. Don’t’ wait until the one is in order to start on your spirit. It won’t ever happen.

God's Love Be Yours,

Pati

Wonder

"The Wonder of it All"

"Jake, do you know why this orange juice tastes so good? (My 6 year old son asks his 9 year old brother.) Cuz, there are little bits of me in it!!" What? "Yeah, when we opened up the can I licked the orange pulp!"

Don’t you love it when your kids converse like that? When you get to hear their own unique interaction. Get to see their budding bond. Praying, hoping even through all the daily fights and rivalry that they indeed will grow to be strong friends. There for one another all of their lives.

Our two boys are incredibly precious. Just tonight, Conor has said some real hum dingers and Jake agrees.

Have you ever had those moments when you feel so full, you think if I died right now, it would be ok? Tonight was like that. At our Church’s yearly Christmas Concert the orchestra and choirs were so beautiful, so remarkable they stirred me to worship in a way that I felt full of God’s wonder. I felt so glad to be alive. So thankful to still be here. And as they sang, "all is well" I thought, that’s what I want to say and feel and know whenever I am dying..."All is well..."

Then we filed out and into the rare rain and cold (I love it when it rains in San Clemente). I walked up stairs to pick up our boys and Conor shouted "Hi Mom! I got a leg!!" Then he held up a large well, leg part of what must have once been a big pinata. "I get to take it home!"

Over Rubios, burritos and chicken tacos with white sauce, we reminesced about our recent trip to Rancho Sordo Mudo and what we learned from the Mexican deaf children there. When I reminded the boys that we ought to just refer to our new friends as the students of RSM and do not need to keep calling them deaf kids, Conor quipped with a wink "yeah, we should, but they can’t hear us."

Then we drove around on one of our yearly traditions of watching all the Christmas lights. We found some wonderful ones this year, lit up reindeer, palm trees and twinkling wreaths. Jake’s comment was "Wow, these houses are all pampered!"

We ran today. Walked our crazy, loving wheaten terrier near the beach. I am so thankful, amazed and thrilled at how good I feel these days. I raced Conor up and down the beach trail. I get to stay up later and later (almost until 10 p.m. woo hoo) and I’m back to general house cleaning overall helping. In exactly 20 days from now we will celebrate my 3 years of surviving Cancer. One person wrote, the minute you are diagnosed you are a survivor. I like that. My day of counting starts then.

But, this is what I want you all to know my friends. Whatever may come, whatever life brings, KNOW that I have lived well. That I have had moments like tonight when my heart is so full that it overflows with tender love and gratitude. What else can one ask for?

I realized tonight that the drop that I want to add to this life is about God's Peace. I want to work for peace in this World. Within, with - out, with others, for others. Prince of Peace, Emmanuel you have come to make this world better. Mother Teresa teaches us to accept that small acts of love and mercy are important. To give in unknown ways to others may seem insignificant, like a drop of water against a tide but it is not. In the Kingdom of God it can and will become a flood that will change the planet we occupy.

Merry Christmas! 2007

Holidays

O.k. because there are STILL a few of you who check my blog even though I haven’t written for months, I’m trying again.

On Halloween day, my husband left the house to take the boys to school and said "I think I’ll be a Russian for Halloween." Allright, said I "I will be a person from the Middle East."

Now this is funny to no one else but one of the joys for us and those who have been married for 17 years. You see we have been nothing but a Russian and person from the Middle East for the last 15 Halloweens. My husband’s Dad loves to travel and tends to bring us back really cool hats. So, the furry, black Russian winter hat and eastern headdress are our favorites to show off.

Mother Teresa often said there is no great service only small acts of kindness done GREATLY. The longer I live and relish in the blessing of having family, I’m convinced that the smallest acts done well become the nourishment that binds.

May I encourage you to love your family and neighbors simply but well this Holiday Season? Commercialism and culture put enormous pressure to DO so much in the next 2 months that we often are the most harried and unattractive people on the planet. Traditions are wonderful building blocks for families. But, don’t think that one figures them all out overnight or in one year. When you have young children, know one or two simple crafts will suffice. There will not be time for a whole lot else. Kids 2 years and under usually end up playing with the wrapping paper and paper tubes more than anything. And most of them don’t like to be rushed. Forget the delayed gratification to get Grandma’s next present open. They will want to play with whatever they just opened NOW!

Soak in their simple ability to live in the present.

Kids are amazing gifts and life teachers. Take care of yours this Holy Season.

Hey, speaking of that creative husband of mine. Check out our new undertaking to help global poverty in small ways. www.causedepot.org Jim has been researching and working for months to put together a web based store that features products made from people enduring hardships around the world. We have products made from inner city homeboys, nuns and african artists. We pray that we can garner a bit of the vast American Consumer power to take the harshest edge off some people’s lives. It’s a little like Bono’s "Buy Red" campaign at Christmas.

Take care!

A better day...

I was met once again by the God of all comfort.  The Memorial was an amazing tribute to a life well lived.  A young man who loved well.  Each of his 5 siblings spoke, his wife as well.  As we wept and laughed hysterically (James Banez was quite the character) my favorite was his younger sister Charity sharing that if James were here he would just roll his eyes at all of our tears because all he ever wanted to do was make us laugh.  James modeled a deep faith and personal conviction but tried to  not take life too seriously.  He knew when he got married 10 years ago that their future in work, ministry and missions was not going to yield much money and he promised his young bride "that he would always make $20,000 a year and eventually buy a motorhome."  He was very bright and for one of his part time jobs did financial planning.  His young widow Brenda also a graduate from Dallas Theological Seminary has 3 kids under 6 years old and a 4th on the way (James or Jamie).  Friends and Family have established a

"James Banez Memorial Fund" where 100% will go directly to help Brenda in this difficult time.  The Evangelical Christian Credit Union is managing this fund.  (955 W Imperial Highway Brea Ca. 92821-3815) If you could give anything, it would mean a lot to me.  I will keep you updated on Brenda for I believe that God has great plans for her.

Thank-you! 

Death of a friend

5/8/07

I apologize that my writing has slowed to a trickle.  I've been wanting to write about the most inspirational book I have read in a long time.  same kind of different as me is about as poignant a true story can get.  About life, faith, poverty and riches; screwing up, hitting bottom and being renewed in the oddest places with the most unlikely of friendships.  It's highly worth your time.

I hope to reflect upon this book and what it means to me but today I am still somewhat numb and in shock about news we received Thursday night.  One of my closest, dearest and oldest friends who lives in New Port was in a terrible car crash last week.  She survived but her younger brother did not.  It was a hit and run in San Jose, Ca.  They were only 10 minutes from their destination in San Francisco to be with their youngest sister who had just lost her 3 month old baby ( when the car crash occurred).  2 deaths in one precious family less than 24 hours apart.  Man, how I Hate writing those words.

I go to one funeral on Thursday.  I think most of Southern Ca. Christendom who knows this family has heard of the immense tradgedy that has struck them, but I still wait to use their names without their permission.  This family has meant  A LOT to me throughout the years.  Helped raise me in the Christian Faith. They are God's light and salt in this world.  And each one of them have been so to me as well. We were all together in December celebrating my girlfriend's 40th.

I don't want to go to the funeral.  I don't want to face this thing, admit it is true.  I could do that, avoid it, being it is far enough away relationally for me.  But, I will go to be there for my friend and her mother.  For her brother's wife and their 3 children.  I will go and gather and stand in solidarity and unity with hundrends of other's who have been touched by this family.  I will cry.  I will weep.  For them, for me.  For their barreness and for my own.  For the times we feel so lost and wonder what happened?? Why.  Why God?  I will listen to Hymns, "Amazing Grace" and maybe get out a note or two.  I will hear Scripture and how nothing can separate us from the love of God, not death or life.  And remember God's other promises as well.  I will smile when I think of where that sweet baby and her uncle are  together, but not be ready to "celebrate" as I look upon the other 3 young children and pregnant wife left behind.  Oh God, sustain them.  At times, your ways seem too much for me.  The weight of grief, crushing.

May all of us affected by this be able to cry out as the Psalmist has.  True and forceful.  And may we be met by the one true Comforter who is NO stranger to suffering.

Amen

I will miss you sweet brother and I will see you on the other side.  You have lived well...

Think Green

Today is Earth Day.

As Christians we ought to have been the first to sound the alarm at the arrogant ways of living that destroy God’s Creation. We were not. We by and large sat back and claimed that those green hippies didn’t know what they were talking about. Now, 30 years after Environmentalist first started bringing to light the effects of pollution; there remains little doubt that how we live directly affects what beauty will be left for our Grandchildren. God commanded us to be stewards not destroyers. To much is given, much is required. We as people of the wealthiest country in the history of the world have an added responsibility. Below are a few simple ways to make a difference and begin to amend our ways. The definition of Repentance is to Stop, do an "about face" and Go in the other direction.

1. Buy and use those cloth grocery bags.

Trader Joe’s has big strong ones that you can use at any store! No more having the bag rip and all the contents spill out. At first you will prob. Forget to bring them which is frustrating. I empty bags and then throw them back in the car immediately so that whenever I go shopping I have them ready. This simple thing feels really good. Did you know that it takes 1,000 years for a plastic bag to disintegrate?? (Diane Sawyer, ABC Good Morning America).

2. Start Simple Paper Recycling at your Work.

Even just copy paper. Elementary schools are always looking for gently used paper for Art etc.

3. Take the time to give gently used toys, clothes away. Our time is valuable and yes when we get in our cleaning modes it is much easier to just throw things in the dumpsters. But, Salvation Army down by the D.M.V accepts donation on almost all days. Amvets will come and pick up all kinds of things for free and often if you put something on your driveway for one day with a sign "Free" it will be gone the next day. Our overfilling dump does not need things that other’s could actually use.

4. Today take a box or plastic tub and label it "Toxic Trash." Keep it in a close accessible spot in the garage. Next time you have a used battery, old cell phone, paint can - all those things you KNOW are not supposed to go directly into our trash, put them in the box. Now, we do not have the convenience of hazard waste curbside pick-up like I hope one day we will. But, we do have DRIVE THROUGH drop off at our very close dump off Ortega Highway. I admit it is an unpleasant thought. But, I assure you it is not bad. Twice a year have someone go drive through.

5. Grab a friend or Neighbor to join with you in keeping accountable and brainstorming on new simple ways to keep our Earth Green and our Beaches Clean. Afterall, who could have a more precious city to "save" then we San Clementeans.

6. Use less water. Turn off the water when brushing teeth. Shower in one less minute than usual. Set landscaping sprinklers to 3 minutes every other day. Get a "Smart Timer" for sprinklers that changes automatically with our Seasons and Automatically shuts off on our few rainy days. This prevents all that runoff from our houses to the drains DIRECTLY to our Oceans. Over time replant drought resistant plants.

7. Limit pesticides. They go with that runoff water straight to our Oceans. Who wants to swim in that?? Besides, too many of us have Cancer already.

8. Most of all Get Out into Nature More. It’s good for your Marriage, your Family and You! Walk the new beach trail in San Clemente. Go with the women to Zion this Summer. Take walks with your husband at dusk. The more you experience, the more you will care.

The Toole family will be painting with Wyland at the Dana Point Ocean Institute this Sunday Afternoon and picking up trash at a Beach if you want to join us.

I bet the SunPost lists opportunities too.

Email  me with your comments and ideas!

What if this is as Good as it gets?

What if this is as good as it gets???

Besides a great movie a few years back about a man working through his diagnosis, treatment and life with severe OCD, I’ve been asking myself lately. What if this is it? What if this sporadic energy level, waning at times, ok at others is it. What if this IS as "recovered" as I will be. What if this is as good as I will be and I will get worse again? Maybe chemo gave me chronic fatigue syndrome, maybe it all means it is slowly coming back. It’s all ok. It’s all liveable. What’s hard for me to accept is who I am for and with my young children. I WANT to play tag with Conor. I’m sick and tired of saying "I’m sorry honey, I’m just so tired." How can a child appreciate what I’ve been through? They only know the present.

Blah, I know we are too hard on ourselves. And we all have something. That thorn in our side as Paul puts it. That thorn in the side. It isn’t what challenges we are given in life it is what we do with them. Our ability to trust and rest in God. Acceptance. I'm doing a 30 day experiment of looking in the mirror and saying "I'm ok today. I love and accept myself just how I am today. How I look right now and what I am able to do today."

For me, 2.3 months from diagnosis, 9 months after completion of all I.V. treatment and 2 of the 5 years down with the Tamoxifin, it’s about ACCEPTING who I am today. It’s ok to not have super energy. It’s just what I’ve always loved. What made me feel valuable, and safe. But, it doesn’t mean God loves me any less.

I’ve started reading "LiveStrong" a compilation of inspirational stories from Cancer Survivors. I am GREATLY comforted and amazed at similar POST cancer treatment lives.

Here our some quotes from survivors in the LiveStrong book published by the Lance Armstrong Foundation. These really hit home. From a young woman, Samantha Eisenstein (half my age). Her entry is titled "I am somebody with cancer and I am somebody without cancer." "Since I finished, I had been struggling with my appearance and scars, all the issues that are not the day-to day chemo stuff and therefore didn't feel legitimate." Sam describes how all of the Doctors and Nurses worked for the day when they could say O.k. your done, go live your life. That day came. But, she felt abandoned and didn't know what that life was.

From a lung cancer survivor who was told she had 0 percent chance of surviving. She is a mother of two teenage daughters. "I often feel fatigued. I don't know whether it's from the lack of lung tissue or whether it's just from the long treatments or even something else. The fatigue on chemo was like no other fatigue I've ever felt. It's not tiredness. It is an overwhelming to-the-core fatigue... I'm always pleased on days when I have more energy than my daughters. But most days, I just kind of have to realize and accept that I don't. I have this fatigue, and I have to plan for it,"

Thanks Lori, I never thought of planning for my fatigue. I'm still working on accepting it as real. As most likely from all the treatment and not from something I am doing wrong or some other greater problem. Celebrating the day I can take Conor bike riding, set up a tent in the backyard and do some Art. (He is very active). Accepting the days when I'm lucky to be able to play a board game and maybe sit and watch him play computer. The days I have to hear the relentless "Mom, I'm bored."

These stories are so helpful. In each one, there is so much I can relate to, be affirmed in. And in each one I SEE again HOW MUCH I have to be grateful for. I can run (every once in awhile when energy allows) and not worry about breaking a bone. I now have a high survival rate. I have a husband who "does" cancer. I have the 3 aspects described by Lori to fight. Doctors, Diet and Exercise and Faith.

I am not sure how to end this entry so I will sign off as each writer does in Lance's book:

My name is Pati Toole, I am 40 years old and a 2.3 year survivor of Stage III.5 Breast Cancer. I have a great husband and two strong active young boys. I would name my entry "Live One day at a time, and sometimes moment by moment."

LiveStrong.

Venezuela Hike Part I

Monday, 02 April, 2007 Best Hikes Continued...

Venezuela, Venezuela. Ohh the long bus rides in Venezuela. Here’s a good tip for traveling in Venezuela. Don’t use the British travel guide (the only in existence when we went). Somehow in the translation from Spanish to British to American English and the money going from ? to pounds to dollars everything was way off. A 6 hour bus ride turned into 12. We did this 3 times. Yep, 12 hours crammed between chickens, food, people and way too much luggage we brought stuck on our laps ( I knew I should of packed lighter). Sounds like a movie? It was like that except for real. We tried to shrink way down in our seats when the bus pulled up in the middle of jungle for a "routine" police check. They made everyone get off, one by one, checking papers and passports. Guards with guns pointed and rambling so fast we could not catch a word. I think it was one of the most terrifying moments of my life. I thought, this is it. They were obviously most interested in us the only young gringos who were on a local bus traveling through dense country where tourists do not usually frequent. God heard our prayers and we all got back on. The worst that happened was our backpack in the rear being throughly gone through and our new binoculars being taken. My favorite part of that bus ride was the native Indian couple who got on, rode for a while, got off and disapeared walking into nothing but pure jungle. Their dress was nothing but loincloths. I kid you not. A lot of beautiful, handmade jewelry and long black hair. An absolute delightful surprise for our bus ride.

That trip was a procession of errors or decisions that just made the trip get harder and harder. We did the entire trip, plane tickets and all for the BOTH of us for the grand sum of $700.00. That explains a lot. We did not go to the common tourist destinations like Angel Falls (tallest in the world) or the gorgeous islands at the bottom of the Carribean chain. I am sure those are quite nice places to travel. At the time I was fairly fluent in Spanish and Jim spoke Spanish as well. The dialect where we traveled was so different however, we could hardly understand a word. Very few spoke english and everyone looked at us with suspicion and curiousity at what we were doing there. It was clear they thought we were there to either try to take advantage of them in some way or mess around with drugs or something. We were careful to bring travelors checks. Only here's the thing with those and small jungle towns; t.c. only work where 1. There are banks to cash them in or 2. Hotels and Restaurants etc. accept travelors checks. Neither was the case where we went. Or the Bank would be open again "in a few days." We lost a lot of weight on that trip.

It is a beautiful country and we took a unforgettable journey up river by dug out canoe, slept in hammocks and hiked to the top of an amazing rainforest vista. We saw toucans flying and lots of big strange bugs. That’s because besides our tourist Spanish guide and his hired native Indian guide we were with 2 family members from France. The daughter was a medical doctor and the father was a bug doctor. He was elated when he found a rare cobra catepillar and dejected when our guide barbequed some tarantulas for a treat. He was also quite obviously antagonistic to God and or the church, both of which we represented. This made for interesting conversation or lack thereof for a close quartered 3 day journey. About 2 days in he finally seemed to breathe when we convinced him that we were not there to convert him.

To be continued...

Sense of Call

The other day one of my Dr.’s seemed a little disappointed that I had not felt quite able to return to work. Before the Cancer I worked part-time as an Associate Pastor in Mission. He said, "you do the Lord’s work and we are grateful." I appreciated the grateful part but his comment didn’t sit quite right with me. I tend to not blurt out my first response but in this instance wish I had.

"You do the Lord’s work too, and we thank you." Is what I would have liked to say. (Not to mention that I AM still trying to serve the Lord even when I am not on staff). One of the beliefs that Presbyterian’s hold dear is that we ARE ALL CALLED to serve God in our various ways. We believe strongly in Paul’s description in Romans that each one of us in the Body of Christ have distinct spiritual gifts but all those gifts are equal in value. Your call is indeed as valued, appreciated and important as my call is to "Feed and Nurture God’s Sheep." In fact, if all we did was huddle around together as Christians "at church" than my call really wouldn’t be worth much at all.

I got to attend the Ordination Service of Garrett Erickson last week. What a great time, watching he and Abbie take it all in, Worship the Lord, lay hands on him in prayer and know what God will do with and for him in the service of God’s Church. Plus, to hear that Saxaphone again!

I think it would be neat if we could all have Ordination services for our different careers. Doctors, teachers, parents, financial advisors, gardener’s, company executives - "would all elders come forward to pray for the installation of these fellow believer’s to their chosen fields." This might instill in us better our own sense of God’s call.

If you’ve read my previous entry called "More Grace," than you’ve read a lot of great examples of Christians living out their call to serve God within their daily lives and work.

So in short, you do the Lord’s work too, and I thank you!

More Grace

More Grace during Cancer..........

My house cleaner of 5 years asking one day "Would you like me to make you a homemade bean recipe each week?" Boy, would I!! Her fresh home made bean soup, bean salad, and my favorite refried beans with all their vitamin B and protein helped get me well. Not to mention the tomatoes, onions, garlic and olive oil she always uses. Now, I’ve had my fair share of expert guacamole, salsa pica. I lived in San Diego and have traveled much of Central America but, I can tell you hers IS THE BEST. I tell her she’s got to open a restaurant or sell her food to one. She shyly answers "I’d like to do something like that, I don’t want to clean forever." What a woman. She’s taken care of my house much better than I can and when I needed it stepped up to care for me and the boys too.

The best yoga instructor in town coming to my house for free to teach me a personalized program after my quite involved, gnarly reconstruction surgery left me quite down. Yoga has strengthened me, helped me learn to breathe and become more calm. It makes me slow down and think of God and how I am in His hands each day. Jessica listened quietly as I shared how my first yoga class back at the gym ended me in tears because I could not even do the modified moves and the teacher was quite insensitive. We giggled together, focused on my Wyland dolphins together, shooed my boys out continuously and gave me back some confidence. Your gift may have not seemed that extraordinary to you, but it was everything to me. Thank-you.

One of the playground supervisor’s at my son’s school noticing that he was down one week. She promptly bought and gave him two small plush puppies. A blue one for him to keep and a pink one to give me. She keeps her caring eye on him and lets him "hang out" with her whenever he needs a gentle break from Elementary socialization. She always comes up with a fun "privileged" game for them to play. A fellow Mom of 3 and local, she’s found a job that works into her busy schedule. She gives all her intelligence, wisdom and creativity to it. We are so humbly grateful.

When my Cancer broke, my older son was in First Grade. His class made me 3 sets of home-made cards throughout that year. Their arrival didn’t seemed to be connected to any certain treatment. I found out later that whenever our son looked down or scared, the teacher knew it would help him to DO something. So, she would take time out of their very busy learning schedule and have them all write and illustrate their own loving cards. I kept every one! Several of the boys thought it was hysterical that I would get to wear a wig. I disappointed them cuz I never could get that thing to work. They begged me to show off my bald head. But, I knew from experience that what they think will be funny is actually a little shocking and saddening for young children so I only showed them a little peak of the front. That did the trick. Toward Spring, I joined the class on their field trip to the Carlsbad Flowers. I gripped the rail of the tractor trailer we were bouncing upon tightly as each jerk brought some pain because of the Taxol Chemo I was on. It was soo worth it, seeing my son beam at my presence. Oh, thank-you God, thank-you that I am still here.

In second grade, our son got a teacher who is a breast cancer survivor herself! As I continued to take Herceptin through an i.v., recover and fight anemia that whole year, and that Spring do my reconstructive surgery ( what was I thinking?) she was like a second Mother. Such kindness is God’s Grace and we do not take it for granted. These are the things and people who got us through.

You may be wondering about my other son. Well, he was in pre-school at our church those two years. And that says it all. Watched over by his Daddy, our church Staff and so many of you. The teachers gather for prayer every morning to ask for patience, strength, wisdom and courage throughout the day. They also pray for their students and their families. I found out that they had prayed for our youngest son and our family every single morning that year. As I write that, it still grips my heart. I was not able to bring snack for the class much, I didn’t get to know the kids or their parent’s as I usually do, I wasn’t the one taking our pre-schooler or bringing him home. I missed out. And I have grieved some the loss... But, I KNEW where he was and whom he was with and the love that surrounded him. I was able to get the precious rest I desperately needed to I could be a little more with it when he did get home.

I’m so happy to share that my big Kindergartner and I are having a great year. He gets out every day at 11:15 so we still have lots of time together. I’ve got to help some in his class and I ‘ve met Zack and Jake, Jade and Trent. In fact I could tell you about most of the 33 classmates (arg). That’s a ludicrous amount of students for kindergarten (or any grade for that matter). And my deepest respect for how the teacher’s handle it. I’ve become better at reviewing the ABC’S and their sounds and I’ve watched with joyful amazement at my little engineer math whiz. (I’m deficient in math). Ya know what’s cool? I have hair again and these kids have no idea what we have gone through. They see me as another healthy normal Mom helper. And that’s pretty great.

I still enjoy that most of the 3^rd graders do know however what we have been through. When they see me they shyly smile and nod like I remember you, I drew you a card in first grade. Huh, look at you, people do get well. At least I hope that’s what they think and acknowledge that they have a piece in my getting well.

Whoops, better go pick up that kindergarten!